Sunday, October 1, 2017

tv shows cause deep thoughts

It's been awhile, I know.

Recently, I've started watching this show on Netflix called BoJack Horseman because some of my friends told me it was really good.  Initially I thought it would be some weird show since it is a human-animal cross-over kind of show.

But damn, this show hits home on every single level.

All the characters have complex emotional issues that I think everyone can relate to on some level.

BoJack is a depressed run-down individual that can't seem to give his life meaning due to his own self-sabatoging ways.

Another character, Princess Caroline, is a hard-working woman in the workplace that constantly does for others and wants success, but always seems to fall short of it.

Diane and Mr. PeanutButter (yes, that is his name) demonstrate a raw reality of what marriage can look like, and how two opposites can attract but also detract at the same time.

Then there's Todd. Todd is my favorite if I am being honest. He is a young adult who has ambitions and dreams, but the people in his life always hold him back on his potential. He has the confidence, but lacks the support. He trusts and confides too much in individuals who do not care about him.

Don't get me wrong, this show has funny one-liners, some well thought out puns, and subtle hints of jokes that a clever eye can spot (or a person who has watched episodes over and over again).

But as I said before, damn this show hits home on every single level.

It delves into this realm of depression and sadness that is incredibly relatable, and it honestly can make a person feel less alone.

I see myself a lot in Princess Caroline. As much as I love Todd, I am more like Princess Caroline (I will now abbreviate her as "PC" cause I don't wanna keep typing the name out. I am lazy this morning.)

PC always wants to be the person who helps fix things. She wants to be there for her friends and she wants to be a successful career woman, and frankly, she is. She tries to not let low blows get her down and she tells herself to stand back up, but as the seasons progress, the audience can see that she struggles to stand up after awhile.

She sticks around toxic people because she cares about them, and looks for the positive in them when no one else does. She stands by her friends sides, even when they push her away and tell her she is not wanted.

PC wants to find someone to love her. She is ready to settle down. This show beautifully demonstrates that although she is ready for it, she will struggle time and time again with heartbreak. She had one heartbreak that I personally believe damaged her ability to try again, and that is something I can 100% relate to.

She cares too much about other people and that is her number one downfall, as terrible as this sounds. But I think that is the aspect of the character that I truly saw myself in.

Like I said before, she wants to fix things for other people and she wants  to be that person who is always there for her friends. And that is a wonderful idea to have, but she is often taken advantage of.

I have mentioned this before that I have a problem where I love people to much to only have them not reciprocate the effort I put in. Often times I am left struggling to pull a relationship along, platonic or romantic, that it makes me feel so lonely and worthless. Like I must not be good enough for the other person to want to put effort in, or love me the way I love them.

And because of this, I am cautious to put myself back in that compromising position. There are friends I have loosened ties with because I feel they don't respect me or my time. It's been hard, but I feel as if I am torturing myself searching for the love I want them to give me, when all I get from them is being taken advantage of.

Just like PC.

I will always be that friend who is there to listen and give advice.

But it sucks to feel like even though I would do this for anyone, that same person would not do the same for me.

I need to start being a little selfish and stop putting my mind and heart out for other people to take hold of and crush.

I don't think Princess Caroline deserves that pain, and I don't think I deserve that either.

It's weird what a cartoon show on Netflix can make you think.

This show is amazing, please watch it.

Stay weird,

Tara xx


Thursday, September 7, 2017

how to: not date a boy (or girl) (or whoever you are into it doesn't matter to me)

One thing I have never been good at is dating.

My most "successful" relationship (and I say "successful" loosely because it ended terribly) occurred when I was good friends with this guy for years beforehand. I was able to skip the whole "getting-to-know-them" phase, which is the part I am the WORST at.

I always feel so awkward. I never know how to act or what to do with my hands. No really, what do I do with my hands? Do I try and hold the hand or do I keep them to myself? I always struggle to figure that part out. Especially during movies, but this is beside the point.

I have only been in one relationship that truly felt natural and not awkward at first, which again, it ended terribly. Other relationships have been with great guys, but the "dating" portion before the actual "relationship" was always awkward for me.

And don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with the guys I've dated. It really is just me being weird.

But I digress.

I wanted to write this post because I feel like I have officially learned the do's and don'ts of dating, and I am here to share this glorious information with you all.

1. DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT feel pressured to do anything sexual on a first date. I went on one date with a guy who tried to stick his hand up my dress while he was driving me home. Let's just say I did not like that. It was really gross. His hand kept slowly moving up my leg, and I just kept moving it back down. At the time, I figured he just wasn't aware that his hand was near my, ya know, private area and didn't think much of it, as you will see in one of the following do's and don'ts. But now, I see he was kinda a jerk. You will see why later.

2. DO NOT drink wine before a first date to calm down your nerves. It didn't calm me down. Especially since I am not really a drinker. I dabble in it occasionally, but not often enough where I would have a tolerance. But let's just say, getting ready for the date was kinda interesting. I guarantee my eyeliner was not even that night.

3. DO let them see your quirks. I always figure, if I want a guy to love me, I may as well show him the weird things about me. For example, I hate cheese and have a fear of fish. If they can't accept that, they aren't for me.

4. DO make sure you ask questions. The one thing I loathe about going on a date is awkward silence. I hate silence. I can never be in a silent room without wanting to cringe and sink down in my chair. I need conversation. So if they aren't talking much, I usually end up talking to myself. Maybe I would even start humming or singing. I don't even know how to explain it, it is my nervous habit. And I get so nervous to go on dates, therefore this habit emerges. I also do talk to myself sometimes, so that is a quirk they gotta get used too. Ya know, sometimes you just gotta talk to yourself. It isn't weird- I promise.

5. DO make sure you are actually on a date. Remember that guy from the first do not? Yeah, so at the end of the night he walked me to my door and we kissed (regrettably). But at the time, I was getting over a breakup and I was just happy to know that a guy could actually be into me. But anyways, later that night, I texted him saying something along the lines of "Hey, we should go on another date soon." just cause, like I said before, a guy was actually into me. But he responded with something along the lines of "This wasn't a date... I just wanted to hang out with you."

.....

Okay, this happened almost two years ago but I will swear til the day I die that it was a date. I tried to pay for my food that night (because it was 2016 and I could buy for myself and no guy had to), but he insisted he pay because he said, AND I QUOTE, "This is how a date works."

Shady. He just wanted to hook up with me that night. And I am not that kinda girl. SO please, double check that you are on a real date. He is also the reason why to this day, I will NEVER kiss on a first date again. Cause apparently, I can't even tell if I am on a date or not.

6. Finally, I will end this list on this note. DO NOT tell someone you love them on the first date.

And that's all I gotta say about that one.

So if you are like me and absolutely hate dating, I hope these suggestions kinda help. If not, I hope you laughed a little at my dating life saga.

One of these days I will write a post about finally finding the guy I'll spend the rest of my life with. Until then, I hope you enjoy the horror stories of my past love life. I wanna hope those days are behind me but who knows, I am still young.

Anyways stay weird,

Tara xx

Friday, September 1, 2017

look at me now

Finally.

FINALLY.

I have a happy post.

Surprisingly, this has been a very stressful and crappy week. I got caught in a rain downpour twice within two days while at school and has to sit through the rest of my classes wet. I also embarrassed myself in front of my art class, but oh well. My art work got caught in that down pour too and I ruined a few drawings.

But oh well.

I made an improvement this week. Actually, multiple.

First off, I actually spoke in my managerial accounting class. TWICE. I raised my own hand and everything. I gave my professor a way to start an equation and was correct. I honestly didn't expect myself to do that.

I never ever volunteer to speak in class, and I always sit in the very back just so I can hide and not be called on. Even though I can't see the board well, I still rather be partially blind than sit close to the teacher. But for some reason this week, I was a little less afraid to speak up.

I also answered the phone today when the doctor's office called for my mom. She was at work, and I had to sort out our HMO's with the doctor and what not, I won't go into detail regarding that.

Essentially, our insurance doesn't cover shit and she didn't get to go to the doctor today, but I digress.

I even had to call the doctor's office back for her since she couldn't handle her situation while at work.   I sorted it all out. I talked insurance with a doctor. Who am I?

I also made a new acquaintance in my art class. He actually runs in a parallel friend group to mine (we have a few mutual friends) so that was cool. I still am too awkward to progress the friendship any further, but hey, it is one more person I can talk too.

These may sound absolutely pathetic, but to me they are small victories. I am still no where close to where I want to eventually be when it comes to interacting with people and socializing, but look at me now.

I talked accounting with my prof, and talked insurance with a doctor. That just shows me I am going in a better direction than before.

Small victories are better than nothing.

Stay weird,

Tara xx


Saturday, August 26, 2017

I promise you do

You matter to me.

I wish I could have told you that sooner or better than just words on a screen.

I wish I could just hug you and let you know how much you mean to me.

And how much I value you in my life.

You are one of the greatest people I know, and I never tell you that, and I really should more. 

You never fail to make me laugh with your memes, and you are always the first person who will try to cheer me up. 

You are one of the very few people who truly understand me, and like me for the person I am.

So it breaks my heart to know what you are going through.

And I get that I don't get it.  Everyone experiences life differently.

So there is no way I can completely understand how you feel or understand how I can help you even if I could.

I am sorry this post may seem cheesy or cliche or unnecessary because I tell you these things all the time.

But just know you mean more than the world to me.

You are valued, you are loved, you are important.

You matter.

You matter to me.

Tara xx

Friday, August 25, 2017

this post sucks and I apologize

It has only been my first week of school and I can already foresee this next semester to be absolutely crazy.

I am waaaaay to in over my head with the classes I took. I already have so much work to do and it has only been one week.

My first art class went alright, and that was the one class I was the most nervous about. But I will see how it goes, of course, things can change.

Okay, so that was my little school update.

FOMO. I have a mad case of it.

I fear of missing out of activities done by all the college "kids". I want to fit in, and I want to be involved.

But at the same time, I have social anxiety where I find it incredibly difficult to put myself into those situations. But I see my friend's snapchat stories of them all out and about doing things, and I am just sat at home.

I feel incredibly lonely and unwanted. Even though the reason I am home alone is because I keep myself there. I do get invited, but I just never accept the invite.

I literally make myself feel lonely.

I am not a partier. I am 100% a homebody. I'd rather spend a night in drinking wine, then out at a club doing tequila shots. I don't like tequila, hell I don't even like wine that much.

I'd rather be snuggled up with a guy that lives over 800 miles away than be meeting guys through an online dating app.

I always feel like I don't fit in with my generation, which is why I have all of this social anxiety built up inside.

I feel like people know I don't fit in. Or at least I tell myself that they know I don't fit in.

Sorry this post sucks. I know it does. Recently, everything I have written has been lacking substance and depth behind it.

My next post is gonna be good. Promise.

Tara xx

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

summer 2017

This summer has been an absolute crazy and hectic time.

I took two classes over the summer to get ahead in school, I picked up extra hours for work to make more money, I helped run a non-for-profit event/organization, I traveled for a week on a cruise in the Western Caribbean where I overcame my fear of heights and climbed a Mayan ruin, and I traveled to New York city with two of my best friends to see Broadway shows.

That is a lot for one person.

Now what all of my friends are slowly leaving to go back to school, I feel all my social anxiety creeping up on me again. When my high school friends come home, I feel like I return to my old self, the version I wish I always was.

I am a very out-going person when I am surrounded by people I grew up with. They were with me through a bunch of life events, so naturally we all became super close. But now that they are all leaving...I am reverting back to this newly formed girl who is afraid of everything.

School starts in six days and I have never been so nervous about it.

This is all because I am finally taking my first art class, and this is an action I have always been afraid to do. I am afraid I am going to mess up and not be good enough for the people in my class. I am so afraid they will judge me and what I draw. I know it sounds silly, but I haven't slept very well the past few days because it has been heavily on my mind.

And I tell myself constantly, "Tara, everything will be fine. Everything will be okay."

I wish I believed myself the more I say it, but at this point, the thought is losing it's value.

Another thing that worries me, that on the scale of reality is very minuscule, is that I may have to take a shuttle to get to the art building at my school. That doesn't sound horrible, but for me, I am absolutely terrified. I can't socialize easily, so to be forced into a small space with strangers is terrifying. I may be able to drive over there myself, but I am not sure if I am allowed to park around the school because it is in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

I am not joking when I say this thought has been keeping me up at night.

My schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays only allows 10 minutes in between my classes, which at first I thought that was no biggie. But as it turns out, all three class I have are in different buildings. This means I will likely be walking in at the very last second, or I will be late to my classes.

I hate being late. Always have, always will.

Not to mention that this is a small school, so my whole class will see I am late. It isn't some big university where I can just sneak in the back. I will disrupt if late.

That thought makes me wanna barf.

I will just deal with this. I will have to get through it.

But I do have higher hopes for my sophomore year of college. I do wanna make more friends.

We shall see.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Thursday, August 10, 2017

when your heart breaks...

So when I was going through my first breakup, I wrote this poem called :When Your Heart Breaks" and I put it on here.

At the time it was a very emotional poem for me to write, because it was about me losing my first love. I took this so seriously when I initially wrote it, and I truly thought that I would never recover from my heartbreak.

Little did I know, I would recover. I would be okay.

But at the same time, little did I know that my heart would continually break for different reasons. Romance wasn't the only source of my heartbreak. It stemmed from many things.

I have gone through four serious breakups, and only one truly gave me heart ache, being the one I wrote a poem about. That happened about a year and a half ago, and I have experienced many heartbreaks in between that time and now.

My heart broke when I saw the shooting at the Orlando night club, where the victims were included in the LGBT community. My cousin is a part of that community and she lives in Orlando and had been to that club before. So when I heard the news, I literally broke down and started crying in a church, especially because we had not heard from her. Thank God she was okay, but I just remember that day so clearly in my head and how it affected my heart.

Another time my heart broke was when I had to say goodbye to my best friends when they left for school for the first time. I was left all by myself, and I was so incredibly lonely. My heart, selfishly, broke when I saw how much fun they were having at school. I was absolutely miserable and had only made about two friends, so to see them off with a new group of people having fun, really hurt.

Do not get me wrong, I was so happy to see they all made friends and were making the most of their college experience, because I know that was something we were all afraid wouldn't happen. Sadly, I was the only person, and still am the only person, who is not enjoying their college experience.

In just this past week, my heart broke again...twice.

One is for the same reason as the year before, one of my friends was leaving to go back to school. My summer had been so busy where I didn't really get to see my friends all that much, which absolutely killed me. But I had to say goodbye to him, and it really just hurt my heart.

It is like that deep pain where you know there is nothing you can do to solve it. You just have to deal with the inevitable fact of life. It is that pain where you will just sit there are cry, because there is no solution other than just to look forward to the next time I get to see him, or nay of my friends that leave. November can't come soon enough.

But the other instance was I found out I hurt one of my friends last year, and I never knew I did. Without going into detail, because this is too personal to put online, but my friends ended up leaving early because he felt he wasn't wanted around. And it was his birthday weekend.

I just found out how upset he was about all of this, and he has every right to be so. I fucked up that situation badly, and my heart broke to know that I did something like that to one of my best friends. No apology will ever be good enough for him, but I promise over a million times over, I will make it up to him.

I don't quite know what the purpose of this post was. I guess it was just to say that heartbreak doesn't have to be pain from a romantic sense. It comes in many different forms.

I will continue to see this sadness come and go, especially with friends going off to school. It is unavoidable and set in stone.

But the best part of having those heart breaks is that eventually, it heals. And when it heals, there will be a new-found happiness.

I need to look for more happiness in my life, so I am excited to see where my healing heart takes me.

Wow, I think this is the first post I have had in a long time where I ended on a high note.

Maybe that is telling me something, right?

Stay weird,

Tara xx