Tuesday, June 20, 2017

why can't i sleep?

Yet again, this is another night where I cannot seem to fall asleep. I have spent the whole day working on a non-profit organization (my best friends started it and I help out), and also completed about 3 hours worth of Summer homework. But still, I can't sleep.

My heart is still pounding and I feel like it is trying to just rip open my chest.

Last week there was a night where I thought I was having a heart attack. I was laying in bed, struggling to sleep again, when my heart skipped like 3 beats it felt. My chest really hurt, but I brushed it aside. After two hours of just laying down staring into darkness, with my chest still in pain, I felt my left arm begin to have sharp pins and needles, which was a feeling I had never felt before. It became hard to breathe, and at this point I was sitting up, clenching my chest thinking, "oh shit, this is it, I am dying."

I ran up to my parent's room and woke my mom up in the early hours of the morning and all I said was " Hey Mom, we may need to call an ambulance because I do believe I am having a heart attack." She made me sit up with her for awhile, we even took my pulse. I petted my cat (apparently purr noises from a cat can lower blood pressure just saying). She made me sleep on my recliner downstairs and she slept on the one next to me, ya know, to make sure I didn't die.

Obviously, I did not have a heart attack, thankfully.

But it was a severe panic attack.

I found this out from a friend I know who suffers with anxiety more than I do, and she's said she had experienced something similar before, and even went to the hospital because she thought it was a heart attack. Her doctors told her is was just a panic attack, but it was in it's most severe form.

All I thought was, "Great."

My stress levels are so high right now and I am really starting to feel it. Well, obviously, I had a freaking panic attack that felt like a heart attack. The worst part is is that I have no way to reduce my stress level easily. So I am kinda stuck.

I am trying to start therapy. (Warning: please excuse my language, but I need to say this.)

STARTING THERAPY IS SO FUCKING HARD BECAUSE INSURANCE WILL NOT COVER HALF THE SHIT I NEED.

Sorry, I don't usually swear here, but I just needed to.

I don't even wanna get started on my healthcare in America rant, because that one would take me hours to write. I am not a fan of our current system, nor am I a fan of universal. But that's besides the point.

So yeah, I finally got the courage to tell my mom that I need therapy, and actually I finally got the courage to accept the fact myself- but now insurance is putting a road block on everything.

I am gonna keep trying, because this is something I truly need to do for myself and for everyone I know.

My anxiety/depression/bi-polarness/whatever the hell is wrong with me affects more than just myself. It affects my relationships with my friends, family, work, school, and beyond.

It sucks. It really does.

It makes me put off doing work that needs to get done, whether that is for my non-profit or summer school, or even doing art. And because I put it off, my stress level increases. When my stress levels increase, I have fake heart attacks.

See the problem? And now, I can't even sleep. I am so tired all the time, and it makes me not wanna do work or see my friends or do anything honestly.

To be frank, I have been putting off writing here just because I could never push myself to do it. It has taken me 3 hours of just sitting in the darkness of my room to motivate me to write my thoughts and feelings again on here.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS/????

Therapy needs to come and it needs to come soon. Or else I'll go crazy.

Oh hell, I am already crazy, no therapy will change that (that was supposed to be kinda funny I really am not like crazy crazy, I am just tired lol).

Anyways, sorry for all the verbal diarrhea again. My bad.

But I enjoy this writing style, it helps divulge a lot of info to friends who actually care enough to check up on me via this blog.

So hello to all those friends. Sorry I am shit at the moment, but I am trying to be less shitty I promise.

Okay that is all.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

p.s.- I am gonna watch New Girl on Netflix and maybe that'll put my mind at ease. It usually does. Okay bye


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

this won't make sense to me in about 20 minutes

This post is essentially word vomit, so I do apologize in advance if this is hard to follow. I have just been going through a lot of thoughts and feelings and I need to just let it out.

So I went zip lining in the Honduras this past week and it was a very weird experience. I am not a fan of heights, so the idea of jumping off a ledge where there could potentially be a 300 foot fall did not sound appealing to me.

But I did it anyways.

I actually got so into it where I would run and jump of the platform because I loved the feeling of flying. I volunteered to go first in my group too. I don't know, it just brought out this whole new side of me, where I was actually a risk-taker. I even climbed a Mayan ruin in Mexico. Again, I'm afraid of heights, so the fact that I climbed part of one was so unlike me.

I acted like this whole different person, unafraid of consequences and willing to take chances.

I came home, and now it is all gone. The feeling of certainty has left, and the emotion of loneliness has set back in, and for what reason?

I honestly have no good answer, and these emotions do not make sense to me. If anything, this is the time where I should feel the least lonely, because all of my friends are back from college for the summer and I can see all of them. Yet, I still find myself feeling unwanted.

I am afraid I am losing my ability to love things, as horrible as that sounds. I find the more discouraged I become, the less I want to do with people. This sounds absolutely horrible, but it is the mentality I find myself in.

I thought I was doing better since life last got me down, and I thought I was back on my feet- but I think I was kidding myself. I put on a facade to trick myself into believing that things were looking up.

And the worst part is that I don't want help from anyone to get me out of this. I wanna figure it out for myself. I've preached before saying that friends and family are the most important thing that can help anyone out of sadness, but right now, I just want to help myself by myself.

Like how messed up is that, I feel lonely yet I don't want anyone to help me. It doesn't make sense, but that is just how my brain works, I guess.

I am going through the motion again, and I need to solve it for myself. I don't want to be pushed to do anything, I want to go my own pace. I don't want pity from anyone either, that is the absolute worst thing anyone could do for me at this point in time.

I think I have to learn to love myself again, like the way I learned to love myself while on vacation. I wanna be that person again all the time, no matter the location, and no matter the activity. Once I learn to love myself again, I can go back to learning how to love again...right?

I hope so.

Or that would suck.

This post made no sense but I just needed to write. Disregard all I wrote, because it probably won't make sense to me in about 20 minutes.

My life is a mess right now, so I guess this is fitting (lol).

Stay weird,

Tara

Sunday, May 21, 2017

i won the bet but i wanna write this anyways (a poem)

This one is for a boy
and please don't get me wrong.
This is not some cliche love poem
or even a written-out cringy song.

This one is for a boy
who I met just three months ago.
He came into my life right as
it gave me another throw.

This one is for a boy
who will make it to the big time.
His talent is so unbelievably pure,
to say otherwise is a crime.

This one is for a boy
who claims the clearest sky-colored eyes.
He jams out in a car like no other,
and will live in a Californian sunrise.

This one is for a boy
and I know this poem's not the best.
But this boy is a Hufflepuff,
so he is better than all the rest.

This one is for a boy
who takes his Starbucks like mine.
I have never met someone so similar to me,
except he is not a fan of dry-wine.

Again, I am sorry this poem is bad.
I tried my best, but what can I say,
this one is for a boy who
I wanna wish a very happy birthday.
_______________________________________________________

Stay weird,

Tara

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Healthy

I mentioned awhile ago that I recently started attending the gym. I go about 3-4 times a week and  it has just become part of my weekly routine.

I was planning out the days I wanted to go this week, when I got to thinking. Why did I start going to the gym in the first place?

I know it started as a way to combat my self-consciousness. I wanted to lose weight because I compared my self-worth to a number on a scale. I knew I had a cruise coming up with my family and we were going zip-lining, which requires you to be weighed.

I wanted to wear cute dresses and maybe even a swimsuit. But I didn't feel like I could without losing some weight first.

After three months, I am down about 13 pounds. My diet isn't anything too incredibly healthy, but I do try and watch what I eat.

So over these months, my main goal in going to the gym was to lose weight. To look skinny. To make clothes look good on me.

Now being down 13 pounds, I have noticed a difference. It is easier for me to do flights of stairs without running out of breath. I can run a mile in 14 minutes (which I know, that isn't impressive- but for me it is. my average was about 16 minutes, so I shaved 2 minutes off my mile.) I know don't think I look completely atrocious all the time, and at moments I even think I look "okay".

So last night when I was thinking about why I go to the gym, I came to realize that my initial priorities are not the same as they once were. Yes, losing weight is a plus, but that is not the real reason as to why I continue to go to the gym.

I subconsciously realized that I need to be healthy for not just myself, but for everyone I love.

I have many individuals in my life that I need to be around for. I need to be better for them. I have so many life events that I need to be around for, so I need to be better for those.

I have always had this fear that I am going to die young, which I know sounds ridiculous, but it is a fear I've always had. We have a very diverse medical history in my family, so I always have that in the back of mind.

So as weird as this sounds, I go to the gym to make myself healthier so I can be around for the people I love/ the people that need me around.

I think it is just something I have to do, like I need to be better for those people. It isn't even about making myself happier anymore, it is also being able to be there for everyone who needs me.

I don't really know the purpose of this post, because I feel like this was all "word vomit". It was just on my mind last night, and I couldn't shake it off until I was able to write it down.

So I hope you all have an amazing week, and I actually have more posts planned out to write (which is something new I am trying, like pre-planning posts). One is a poem-like piece, and the other one is song discussion, because I found another song that is just on constant replay.

Stay weird,

Tara xx












Sunday, April 16, 2017

Waves

I wrote a post awhile ago called Happy, and I am going to reference to some points I made in that post.

One major life lesson that I got out of that post was that in order to have happiness, we also have to have sadness. If everyone was constantly happy, how would we even know when we are happy?

People may disagree, which is fine, but I believe that the little bursts of happiness I find are much more meaningful when I am coming from a place of melancholy.

All I said in that previous post was that I wanted to be happy. But I had a revelation last night during a car ride back home.

Waves.

Imagine ocean waves, okay?

They come and go, sometimes fast or sometimes slow.

But nonetheless, they always appear.

Happiness and sadness come in waves.

Sadness is the ocean wave, whereas the sand is happiness.

That sand is always going to be there. Sure, some may get swept away by the ocean, but there will always be more there and it will never disappear.

Those few lost grains of sand can be people or things that caused you sadness. They left the pile of happiness, but that is okay.

Because that pile of happiness in your life is unlimited. Even if you lose a few grains of sand, the foundation is much stronger.

The ocean will cover the sand at times. The sadness will overwhelm the happiness.

There is no denying that.

For the longest time, my wave of sadness was just stuck. I did still have my foundation of happiness with me, but I was overcome by the force around me.

My sand was unlimited, but the waves kept it under for awhile.

Driving home last night, I realized this for the first time in a long time.

I am genuinely happy.

My wave washed away.

My sand can now breathe.



Tara xx

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Letter to My Ex(es)

Breaks ups suck.

But one great thing that comes out of them is the gaining of clarity. I have gone through 4 breakups, and each one has made me all the wiser.

Now, I am here to share with you the lessons my exes have taught me, whether they knew it or not.  And I think I am going to do it in letter format.

Surprisingly, two of my exes actually know this blog, but the reason I am so confident in writing this is because I know they do not still read it. And if they do, hey guys! But honestly, they don’t, so we are all good to go here!

Side note, these are not numbered in the order in which we dated. It is all scrambled up.
_______________________

Dear Ex 1,

                Our breakup was one that did not actually affect me much. It ended, and I was like “alright then.” But the one thing I learned about life from this relationship is that young love does exist. When I look back at our relationship, do I think I was in love? Probably not. But do I think I had the capacity to? I sure do. You used to write me poems every month we were together; you also drew flowers on our big anniversary.

                Too bad you had to flirt with other girls in front of me. You were doing so well!

__________________________

Dear Ex 2,

                You are not the same guy you were before.

                You were the first guy I fell in love with, and I feel a part of me will always have a special little place in my heart. I have no hard feelings anymore, I made my peace. I still want to see you succeed, because I know you can. But you taught me a lot about myself. I now know that I deserve to have someone want to put effort in. I should never be the one to carry all the weight of a relationship. You also made me more cautious about throwing around the word “I love you.” You showed me that it was a serious phrase, as you always told it to me but never meant it. I understand its true value now, and I thank you for that.

                Again, I wish you the absolute best in life.

_________________________________

Dear Ex 3,

                Bissssch wassup?

                We had fun while it lasted, but we honestly were just not made for each other. We just have different ideas of what being in a relationship means. Luckily we are still friends, and I am glad that we are. You are a great guy, and I know you will do amazing things.  

                You taught me that I can be loved when I felt I never could be. Even if that feeling fell apart, it was nice to have it last for a while. You also taught me that I can no longer cry over a guy. Those nights where I would never hear from you, and you just left me hanging, I promised myself that no guy would ever make me cry again. So thanks for that. Also, word of advice just because I still consider you a good friend and I do want you to find happiness with someone one day, do not-FOR THE LOVE OF GOD- go for 4 days straight without talking to them, especially if you have been dating 7+ months. I can say in all honesty that no woman would like that, so please, please, please, PLEASE get that through your head. But honestly, you were a great. I did enjoy all of our time together. I am glad we are still friends.

____________________

Dear Ex 4,

                You were the only guy who I spent over a year trying to date, just so I could ruin it three months in to actual dating.We still talk, and I would say we are still friends. The lesson you taught me though was that it’s okay to be awkward in relationships. Without the awkwardness, there are no funny moments. I now tell the story of our first slow dance to many people, and they love it. We didn’t last very long, but again, that was my entire fault. You were perfect and did nothing wrong. I hope you are incredibly successful with everything you do, and I will probably talk to you whenever the next Aerosmith tour comes around.

____________________

I guess not all breakups are bad. I got some valuable lessons from some.

One of the silver linings of breakups is the fact that you do get to move on. I can easily say I no longer have feelings for any of the exes.

Someone new has come along, and it seems almost too perfect or one could say, meant to be. But I am so excited to see where it goes.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Riches

How many ways can a person be rich?

How many ways can a person want to be rich?

I was talking with one of my friends earlier about the idea of "being rich one day".

You could honestly buy anything you want. You could travel wherever you want. The possibilities are endless.

But...being monetarily rich is one thing I never want to be.

I come from a well-off family. My grandparents on my father's side are millionaires, beyond a doubt. They have two houses, speed boats, and golf carts! They also have time-share in Arizona and Florida, as well as farm land in Western Illinois.

But any time I think of my Dad's family, I see divided individuals. There is no real family connection between any of the family members. They all do their own thing and there is no real connection. They have their materialistic items, and they are content with just that.

Then I see my Mom's family. They aren't rich, but they are comfortable. They are so tight-knit, where they call each other still everyday. My grandparents are by far my best friends, and there is a real relationship between all of us. It is drastically different compared to my dad's side.

So when I look at the families, side-by-side, I want my mom's kind of family.

Now obviously, I cannot say every affluent family is the same as my dad's side, because that is stereotyping and something I am not a fan of. But from my own personal experience, the two different environments speak for themselves.

I'd rather be rich in family and love. I want a husband that will love me and care for me through the good and bad. I want to be able to call my sister every day whenever I need her. I want my brother to be able to hang out with my future kids. I just want a tight family. I want my future husband to call my parents "Mom" and "Dad".

If I could have that, I'd be the richest woman in the world.

That's all I have to say about that.

Stay weird,

Tara xx