Tuesday, August 15, 2017

summer 2017

This summer has been an absolute crazy and hectic time.

I took two classes over the summer to get ahead in school, I picked up extra hours for work to make more money, I helped run a non-for-profit event/organization, I traveled for a week on a cruise in the Western Caribbean where I overcame my fear of heights and climbed a Mayan ruin, and I traveled to New York city with two of my best friends to see Broadway shows.

That is a lot for one person.

Now what all of my friends are slowly leaving to go back to school, I feel all my social anxiety creeping up on me again. When my high school friends come home, I feel like I return to my old self, the version I wish I always was.

I am a very out-going person when I am surrounded by people I grew up with. They were with me through a bunch of life events, so naturally we all became super close. But now that they are all leaving...I am reverting back to this newly formed girl who is afraid of everything.

School starts in six days and I have never been so nervous about it.

This is all because I am finally taking my first art class, and this is an action I have always been afraid to do. I am afraid I am going to mess up and not be good enough for the people in my class. I am so afraid they will judge me and what I draw. I know it sounds silly, but I haven't slept very well the past few days because it has been heavily on my mind.

And I tell myself constantly, "Tara, everything will be fine. Everything will be okay."

I wish I believed myself the more I say it, but at this point, the thought is losing it's value.

Another thing that worries me, that on the scale of reality is very minuscule, is that I may have to take a shuttle to get to the art building at my school. That doesn't sound horrible, but for me, I am absolutely terrified. I can't socialize easily, so to be forced into a small space with strangers is terrifying. I may be able to drive over there myself, but I am not sure if I am allowed to park around the school because it is in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

I am not joking when I say this thought has been keeping me up at night.

My schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays only allows 10 minutes in between my classes, which at first I thought that was no biggie. But as it turns out, all three class I have are in different buildings. This means I will likely be walking in at the very last second, or I will be late to my classes.

I hate being late. Always have, always will.

Not to mention that this is a small school, so my whole class will see I am late. It isn't some big university where I can just sneak in the back. I will disrupt if late.

That thought makes me wanna barf.

I will just deal with this. I will have to get through it.

But I do have higher hopes for my sophomore year of college. I do wanna make more friends.

We shall see.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Thursday, August 10, 2017

when your heart breaks...

So when I was going through my first breakup, I wrote this poem called :When Your Heart Breaks" and I put it on here.

At the time it was a very emotional poem for me to write, because it was about me losing my first love. I took this so seriously when I initially wrote it, and I truly thought that I would never recover from my heartbreak.

Little did I know, I would recover. I would be okay.

But at the same time, little did I know that my heart would continually break for different reasons. Romance wasn't the only source of my heartbreak. It stemmed from many things.

I have gone through four serious breakups, and only one truly gave me heart ache, being the one I wrote a poem about. That happened about a year and a half ago, and I have experienced many heartbreaks in between that time and now.

My heart broke when I saw the shooting at the Orlando night club, where the victims were included in the LGBT community. My cousin is a part of that community and she lives in Orlando and had been to that club before. So when I heard the news, I literally broke down and started crying in a church, especially because we had not heard from her. Thank God she was okay, but I just remember that day so clearly in my head and how it affected my heart.

Another time my heart broke was when I had to say goodbye to my best friends when they left for school for the first time. I was left all by myself, and I was so incredibly lonely. My heart, selfishly, broke when I saw how much fun they were having at school. I was absolutely miserable and had only made about two friends, so to see them off with a new group of people having fun, really hurt.

Do not get me wrong, I was so happy to see they all made friends and were making the most of their college experience, because I know that was something we were all afraid wouldn't happen. Sadly, I was the only person, and still am the only person, who is not enjoying their college experience.

In just this past week, my heart broke again...twice.

One is for the same reason as the year before, one of my friends was leaving to go back to school. My summer had been so busy where I didn't really get to see my friends all that much, which absolutely killed me. But I had to say goodbye to him, and it really just hurt my heart.

It is like that deep pain where you know there is nothing you can do to solve it. You just have to deal with the inevitable fact of life. It is that pain where you will just sit there are cry, because there is no solution other than just to look forward to the next time I get to see him, or nay of my friends that leave. November can't come soon enough.

But the other instance was I found out I hurt one of my friends last year, and I never knew I did. Without going into detail, because this is too personal to put online, but my friends ended up leaving early because he felt he wasn't wanted around. And it was his birthday weekend.

I just found out how upset he was about all of this, and he has every right to be so. I fucked up that situation badly, and my heart broke to know that I did something like that to one of my best friends. No apology will ever be good enough for him, but I promise over a million times over, I will make it up to him.

I don't quite know what the purpose of this post was. I guess it was just to say that heartbreak doesn't have to be pain from a romantic sense. It comes in many different forms.

I will continue to see this sadness come and go, especially with friends going off to school. It is unavoidable and set in stone.

But the best part of having those heart breaks is that eventually, it heals. And when it heals, there will be a new-found happiness.

I need to look for more happiness in my life, so I am excited to see where my healing heart takes me.

Wow, I think this is the first post I have had in a long time where I ended on a high note.

Maybe that is telling me something, right?

Stay weird,

Tara xx





Thursday, August 3, 2017

being a burden

This is actually my 100th post. Woohoo!

Kinda proud of myself that I have kept this blog going since my sophomore year of high school and here I am... a sophomore in college.

This. Is. Weiiiirddddddddddd.

Anyhoodles, I was hoping that this post could be upbeat, uplifting, or maybe just even happier in comparison to my last couple entries.

But here I am on a Thursday night, crying in my bedroom, feeling lonelier than ever. Writing here honestly is therapeutic to me, so although I hoped to make something more inspiring for myself, I find myself needing an outlet again.

One positive thing that happened this week is that I got my friends back. They all apologized individually, and everything worked out. So yay!

But, they are all leaving again to go back to school. So...boo.

That was a side-tangent, but here is the real purpose of my writing: Am I a burden?

Within my life, I feel like I select a few individuals who I tell everything too. One always being my best friend, Alex, and the other being the person I am "dating" at the time if there even is anyone. As of right now, it is just my best friend.

A relationship I was in earlier this year actually kinda turned me off to the whole "telling my SO about my problem thing", which sucks because that is the thing you are supposed to do.

But anyways, this was when things started getting rough for me, and I would go to my then-boyfriend and tell him about how I was feeling, and how shitty it was to have all my friends gone, and how lonely I was. He was the person I went to, especially because I missed him so much (long-distance sucks).

There was this one conversation we had that kinda tore me apart, and to this day he still doesn't know how much he actually hurt me. I truly do not believe he intentionally meant to do this to me, but it happened.

But when we were talking on the phone, he basically told me he didn't want to be the person I went to anymore with all of my problems. He said he couldn't handle all of my problems, and he couldn't even help me because we were doing long distance.

This absolutely crushed me, and I feel like it is the reason why now I do not wanna share with people in my life all of my problems. If I was/am a burden to one person, I am for sure a burden to more people.

I stopped talking to a lot of people about the way I am feeling because of that one conversation I had with my ex. I also feel like that is why I write about how I feel more on this platform, because I am not directly being a burden to any of my real-life friends. Sometimes I feel like I share too much here, but at the same time, this is my only way to share and vent.

Some of my friends know about this blog, but not a lot. Only select people that I trust enough to be an open book with. But it's gotten to the point where I doubt they even read this anymore.

I don't know, I could just be getting defensive again, but at the same time, not a lot of them check-up on me. Oh well.

School starts in about 3 weeks, and I don't know how I feel about it. I am excited to see my friends, but sad to see some go. I am excited to be by people and out of my house, but then I am terrified to actually interact with people.

I literally make no sense. But here I am, just trying to exist.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

new york

This past week has been absolutely crazy. 

I had my disability awareness event last Saturday, and then left for New York that Sunday. 

New York was kinda a blur. I saw a lot of things.

I saw a man pull a gun. I about saw three fights break out right in front of me. I made friends with people waiting to see Brendon Urie at the end of Kinky Boots. 

I was five feet away from Brendon Urie okay it was a dream come true.

I met the man who played Lola in Kinky Boots, and he was an absolute sweetheart. 

I saw the show Waitress. Best. Show. Ever. It honestly may beat out Les Mis as my favorite musical, just because it made me laugh and cry so much. 

I dyed my friend's hair in my hotel bathroom, and went to the restaurant that has all the caricatures of famous Broadway stars who frequent the place. (Side note- I met the artistic director of the new musical Come From Away there that night.) 

Central Park was beautiful. Probably my favorite place in the city. I'm not good with crowds, so that was a nice place to get away to. 

I re-found my favorite donut shop called Dough's Donuts. They have the best cinnamon-sugar donuts ever. It was probably the highlight of my trip.

My flight home was terrifying though. We went through a storm and I saw lightning hit the wing of the plane. I was ready to die, but hey I'm okay!

So that is a quick summary of my trip. Now to delve into the deep stuff. 

I was really hoping that this trip would do something for me. Like I wanted to find some sort of life meaning from it. And yes, it did give me a new found love of independence, but at the same time, I still feel kinda lost.

I recently lost some close friends. They were not there for me when I needed them to be. And when I reached out to them looking for some answers or explanations for their actions, I got nothing.

I got ignored.

I am a no-nonsense type of person.When someone treats me poorly, I end that relationship.

So I ended all the relationships, which honestly really makes me sad. I loved them all so much, but I don't think they loved me at all (all this is platonic love by the way lol).

Yeah, so, that happened. Kinda bummed about it. 

But this is going t push me to try and meed new people when I go back to school. I want to end my awkwardness and make some more friends.

If there is any silver lining to my really shitty situation, I guess that could be it.

I do wish I had my friends back though.

Stay weird,

Tara

Sunday, July 9, 2017

she used to be mine

It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine


_________________________________________________________________________________

This is a song. I only posted part of the lyrics to it because this is the section that I can relate to the most. I highly recommend finding the whole song and listening to it.

This is from the musical "Waitress". I have yet to see it (but I will see it in approximately one week), and I already know this will make me sob forever.

Without giving anything away from the plot, do these lyrics make sense?

They completely capture the essence of how I always feel.

Recently, if you couldn't tell by the string of depressing and soul searching posts, life has been kinda difficult.

I have been reflecting on what I used to be like before all of these problems came about.

I can't decide if that is healthy or not for me to do. If I continue to look back on how I used to be, it just makes me hate myself more. But then I look at the state of which I am in now, and I still hate myself.

I am a walking contradiction.

I don't want to date anyone, but then I feel lonely. I want to see my friends, but then I find it hard to leave my house. I want to grow and expand as a person, but then I feel like it is just something I can't do. I want to start going to therapy, but I can't talk to a person on the phone by myself.

I want to do this all on my own, but then I wish I felt like more people cared about me. I literally push people away, and then wonder "why doesn't anyone talk to me anymore?"

I am a self-destructing person, I guess that's just it.

But then when I hear this song, it gives me reassurance.

I am not the only walking contradiction.

Sure, this is a musical. And true, this is all fictional.

But damn, if another person feels exactly the way I do, it sure does give me hope.

Maybe one day, I will be like my old self again. And maybe one day, I'll learn to love myself. And then I'll start going to therapy, and start getting out of my house to socialize.

As strange as this post it, it is giving me hope. And I'll take whatever I can get if it gives me the slightest bit of positivity.

I want that.

I need that.

I am messy. I am imperfect. I am broken.

But hey, maybe one day, that girl will be gone.

And that gets me through the day.

Stay weird,

Tara


Friday, June 30, 2017

led zeppelin cures all

I have a confession.

I am still a sad person, but I didn't wanna write a sad post tonight. I wanted to write something, but I want to make it upbeat.

Finally.

I put some Led Zeppelin on, and I am gonna write about some weird things I do. Cause to be frank, I do a lot of weird things.

Speaking of LZ, I have this thing I do where if I see a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, I HAVE to buy it. There is no discussion. I need to bring it home and add it to my collection. I was at Target with two of my friends, and I saw the shirt. So I went and grabbed it, which is when my friends asked why. I had no good explanation.

I just owe it to myself to buy as many Led Zeppelin shirts as I can.

I play the air drums as well. Whether it be Twenty One Pilots, Aerosmith, or a John Denver song, I drum to it. I look ridiculous, but it is a force of habit. When I sat in my school's library, I would always lowkey be drumming to something.

Just recently while I was at the gym, I started air drumming while running on a treadmill. I thought I was subtle about it, but I got a little too much into it and some people around me stared and probably thought I didn't know how to run correctly. I was mortified, but whatever. I am just too good air drumming to not air drum.

Any animal I see, touch, hold, or love is given a very distinct voice. By this I mean, if I talk to my dog, I literally respond as her in a different voice, as if she is talking back.Does this sound insane? Writing it out now, I am starting to realize it sounds weird. But I feel like a lot of people do it too....right?

I go to Bath & BodyWorks to smell candles more than any regular person should. Sometimes I won't even buy anything. I'll just walk in and smell candles for a bit, and leave. As of right now, I have 13 full-size (3-wick) candles from that store sitting next to me. I have an obsession.

I have always been dumped a week or two before Valentine's Day. I truly think I am cursed and destined to be alone, and the worst part is I am not joking.

Nightmare Before Christmas is my shit. That has become my "art" movie. Anytime I spend an hour or more painting, I put on that movie in the background. Every. Single. Time. It is my own tradition. I can basically recite that movie forwards and backwards without a problem.

Also, I enjoy googling monologues from musicals are acting them out as "auditions". I'll even record it sometimes on my phone. I have no shame.

I cry in every single movie, regardless of genre. No questions asked. There will be tears.

I have singing conversations with myself. I will basically narrate what I am doing in real life through song. I'll be doing the dishes and be singing about how I am doing the dishes. My brother told me recently that I am just like Jess from New Girl, because she does the same thing as me. I personally think I am more of a Winston though. (go watch new girl by the way)

Last thing. I have a journal I keep next to my bed in a drawer. I don't write anything juicy or gossipy in there. But I have like conversations with myself from like a "past Tara' view and a "future Tara" view. I will provide you s real life example of what one of these conversations looks like:

6-9-2017: TARA, WHAT ARE FUCK YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
6-10-2017: I don't know, stop yelling at me.
6-12-2017: My b, it was a bad day.
6-14-2017: No prob, my day was shitty too.We all good.

I have no explanation for myself.

Stay weird (but not as bat-shit crazy weird as I am),

Tara xx


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

why can't i sleep?

Yet again, this is another night where I cannot seem to fall asleep. I have spent the whole day working on a non-profit organization (my best friends started it and I help out), and also completed about 3 hours worth of Summer homework. But still, I can't sleep.

My heart is still pounding and I feel like it is trying to just rip open my chest.

Last week there was a night where I thought I was having a heart attack. I was laying in bed, struggling to sleep again, when my heart skipped like 3 beats it felt. My chest really hurt, but I brushed it aside. After two hours of just laying down staring into darkness, with my chest still in pain, I felt my left arm begin to have sharp pins and needles, which was a feeling I had never felt before. It became hard to breathe, and at this point I was sitting up, clenching my chest thinking, "oh shit, this is it, I am dying."

I ran up to my parent's room and woke my mom up in the early hours of the morning and all I said was " Hey Mom, we may need to call an ambulance because I do believe I am having a heart attack." She made me sit up with her for awhile, we even took my pulse. I petted my cat (apparently purr noises from a cat can lower blood pressure just saying). She made me sleep on my recliner downstairs and she slept on the one next to me, ya know, to make sure I didn't die.

Obviously, I did not have a heart attack, thankfully.

But it was a severe panic attack.

I found this out from a friend I know who suffers with anxiety more than I do, and she's said she had experienced something similar before, and even went to the hospital because she thought it was a heart attack. Her doctors told her is was just a panic attack, but it was in it's most severe form.

All I thought was, "Great."

My stress levels are so high right now and I am really starting to feel it. Well, obviously, I had a freaking panic attack that felt like a heart attack. The worst part is is that I have no way to reduce my stress level easily. So I am kinda stuck.

I am trying to start therapy. (Warning: please excuse my language, but I need to say this.)

STARTING THERAPY IS SO FUCKING HARD BECAUSE INSURANCE WILL NOT COVER HALF THE SHIT I NEED.

Sorry, I don't usually swear here, but I just needed to.

I don't even wanna get started on my healthcare in America rant, because that one would take me hours to write. I am not a fan of our current system, nor am I a fan of universal. But that's besides the point.

So yeah, I finally got the courage to tell my mom that I need therapy, and actually I finally got the courage to accept the fact myself- but now insurance is putting a road block on everything.

I am gonna keep trying, because this is something I truly need to do for myself and for everyone I know.

My anxiety/depression/bi-polarness/whatever the hell is wrong with me affects more than just myself. It affects my relationships with my friends, family, work, school, and beyond.

It sucks. It really does.

It makes me put off doing work that needs to get done, whether that is for my non-profit or summer school, or even doing art. And because I put it off, my stress level increases. When my stress levels increase, I have fake heart attacks.

See the problem? And now, I can't even sleep. I am so tired all the time, and it makes me not wanna do work or see my friends or do anything honestly.

To be frank, I have been putting off writing here just because I could never push myself to do it. It has taken me 3 hours of just sitting in the darkness of my room to motivate me to write my thoughts and feelings again on here.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS/????

Therapy needs to come and it needs to come soon. Or else I'll go crazy.

Oh hell, I am already crazy, no therapy will change that (that was supposed to be kinda funny I really am not like crazy crazy, I am just tired lol).

Anyways, sorry for all the verbal diarrhea again. My bad.

But I enjoy this writing style, it helps divulge a lot of info to friends who actually care enough to check up on me via this blog.

So hello to all those friends. Sorry I am shit at the moment, but I am trying to be less shitty I promise.

Okay that is all.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

p.s.- I am gonna watch New Girl on Netflix and maybe that'll put my mind at ease. It usually does. Okay bye