Friday, January 26, 2018

sometimes, i suck.

My brother came back from his Kairos retreat today, at it inspired me to reread some of the letters that people wrote to me when I went almost two years ago. 

As I read the letters, I read them from people I never talk to anymore. 

Honestly, it made me so sad. I have had close high school friends almost become strangers to me. Half the time, they have some blame, either they weren't that good of a friend, or they were a bit obsessive. 

But I also have blame. Whether I never reached out to them, or I was a bad friend, I know I am not innocent by any means. 

Sometimes, I suck.

I feel like I find reasons to push people away sometimes. And that sucks. I suck.

I was reading these letters of people telling me how kind and generous I was, and how I was such a good friend.

Now I feel like none of that resonates with me. I have become a shitty friends that has not reached out to any of them anymore.

I want to go back to the way I once was, and reach out to friends. 

I wanna be better.

And to any past friends that for some reason still read my blog, I just wanna apologize for not being the best to you. I am sorry if I put you through crap or hurt you in any way, I am so sorry.

I am gonna be better. I need to be less selfish in life, and look out for my friends.

Add that to the resolutions.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Saturday, December 30, 2017

2018- the year of tara

I wrote this to myself, but I decided to put it on here to make myself accountable.

I hope to accomplish the following things in the year 2018 in attempt to create a pathway to happiness and better health.

1. Call the damn doctor, get to therapy.

2. Hit the gym. Gain your confidence back.

3. Learn self-control, distinguish between reality and my mind.

4. Get involved. Find an activity that can create friendships.

5. Be less afraid.

6. Worry less, God has a plan.

7. Speaking of God, get back to church.

8. Learn to love yourself again.

9. Be adventurous and actually leave your house.

10. Be proud of yourself if you accomplish at least one of these goals.

Monday, November 6, 2017

the big two oh

Today is my birthday.

Well, technically my time is almost up until I wait another year, but I still have about 1.5 hours left.

I am now 20.

Holy shit.


No longer a teenage, but still can't legally drink. It is a weird age. I am entering my third decade too...

Alright so before I have an existential crisis, let me tell you about my day, and how I wanna proceed on.

I kinda dyed my hair turquoise/blue for fun but I kinda also like it. It a mix of a mermaid vibe/I swam in chlorine too much (if blondes swim for too long, their hair can turn green/blue. Fun fact)

I liked the last minute decision to just try it, without knowing how it would go or how it would look. It was spontaneous, but I think I really like it. I may try purple next.

I went to a hibachi dinner which was so freaking good. I got tickets to go and see Wicked in December. I even saw Thor: Ragnarok this weekend. I also finally watched Spiderman Homecoming.

So I guess one could say this was a pretty amazing weekend, even for having a Monday birthday.

I really enjoying having experiences more than getting material items. I'd rather go and do something with a person, rather than be given a gift by them.

So this was essentially a perfect birthday weekend for me, because I had a lot of fun memories with amazing people, like my parents and grandparents. And another amazing person.. they know who they are. (Thanks for the socks haha, I have them on now.)

I want to spend my 20's with people who matter and I wanna make memories and have glorious experiences with them. This is my decade to shine.

Everyone talks about their 20's as the good old days, and I want to live my 20's that way. I want to travel the world and establish a career. I want to get married. No kids yet though. That is too scary of a thought to have.

I am at a point where I am feeling more confident in myself and more ready to take on life. Which is incredibly exciting.

I am ready to go. And I hope whoever is reading this wants to stick around to see how it all goes.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

unproductive rambles

I am here writing today because I have been a slug all day.

My classes were cancelled, I am off work. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO.

Other than homework and other responsibilities, but really, NOTHING TO DO.

I have just sat around all day distracting myself with beauty videos or Supernatural bloopers. Every once in awhile, I would get up and move around, but today, I couldn't bring myself to do much.

I feel gross and sad, even though I showered today out of pure boredom. Like that is how bad my day got. 

Chicago is now starting to act normal, therefore the autumnal weather is now here. Although, it is currently raining and 41 degrees, and that screams more "winter weather" to me. So far it has been a warm fall, but that is most likely over now. 

I organized my room a bit this morning, and even washed my makeup brushes. I read two chapters of the Odyssey (it's for a class, I am not an actual cool person who would read this book for fun) and I even took a quiz for my accounting test. I worked on my resume and cover letter too. 

But I am still bored. It has gotten to the point of the day where I miss human interaction. No one has been home all day, and all my friends are out doing fun things without me.

And yes, I was invited to the friend festivities, but I am AWKWARD and said no because I felt like I would just bring the group down. Like seriously, what is wrong with me?

I feel as if I got a bunch of things accomplished today, but I still feel like I need to do more. Or else, I will have just wasted a perfectly good day full of countless opportunities. And all I did was stay inside. 

This post is stupid, but I needed to do something productive. And it has been awhile since I have written.

So remember that post I wrote awhile back about happiness being like ocean waves? Pretty sure the post was called "Waves".

I said something along the lines that happiness is like sand, and sadness is an ocean wave. There may be times where the wave is covering the sand, but nonetheless, the sand will remain and emerge again when the wave left.

Ring a bell? If not, you can go look at that post. Or not. I can't force you.

Anyways, my sand has been uncovered for awhile. I have felt genuinely happy these past few months. 

But I am starting to feel that ocean wave coming back. I don't wanna admit it, but I just know it is starting to happen. Usually when I lock myself away from friends and start backing away from friendships, I can tell something is up.

It kinda scares me.

Maybe it just wanted to pop up for Halloween!

Sorry, bad time for a joke. But let me tell you, I could do worse haha.

I guess that is all for today. 

Have a happy Halloween.


Sunday, October 1, 2017

tv shows cause deep thoughts

It's been awhile, I know.

Recently, I've started watching this show on Netflix called BoJack Horseman because some of my friends told me it was really good.  Initially I thought it would be some weird show since it is a human-animal cross-over kind of show.

But damn, this show hits home on every single level.

All the characters have complex emotional issues that I think everyone can relate to on some level.

BoJack is a depressed run-down individual that can't seem to give his life meaning due to his own self-sabatoging ways.

Another character, Princess Caroline, is a hard-working woman in the workplace that constantly does for others and wants success, but always seems to fall short of it.

Diane and Mr. PeanutButter (yes, that is his name) demonstrate a raw reality of what marriage can look like, and how two opposites can attract but also detract at the same time.

Then there's Todd. Todd is my favorite if I am being honest. He is a young adult who has ambitions and dreams, but the people in his life always hold him back on his potential. He has the confidence, but lacks the support. He trusts and confides too much in individuals who do not care about him.

Don't get me wrong, this show has funny one-liners, some well thought out puns, and subtle hints of jokes that a clever eye can spot (or a person who has watched episodes over and over again).

But as I said before, damn this show hits home on every single level.

It delves into this realm of depression and sadness that is incredibly relatable, and it honestly can make a person feel less alone.

I see myself a lot in Princess Caroline. As much as I love Todd, I am more like Princess Caroline (I will now abbreviate her as "PC" cause I don't wanna keep typing the name out. I am lazy this morning.)

PC always wants to be the person who helps fix things. She wants to be there for her friends and she wants to be a successful career woman, and frankly, she is. She tries to not let low blows get her down and she tells herself to stand back up, but as the seasons progress, the audience can see that she struggles to stand up after awhile.

She sticks around toxic people because she cares about them, and looks for the positive in them when no one else does. She stands by her friends sides, even when they push her away and tell her she is not wanted.

PC wants to find someone to love her. She is ready to settle down. This show beautifully demonstrates that although she is ready for it, she will struggle time and time again with heartbreak. She had one heartbreak that I personally believe damaged her ability to try again, and that is something I can 100% relate to.

She cares too much about other people and that is her number one downfall, as terrible as this sounds. But I think that is the aspect of the character that I truly saw myself in.

Like I said before, she wants to fix things for other people and she wants  to be that person who is always there for her friends. And that is a wonderful idea to have, but she is often taken advantage of.

I have mentioned this before that I have a problem where I love people to much to only have them not reciprocate the effort I put in. Often times I am left struggling to pull a relationship along, platonic or romantic, that it makes me feel so lonely and worthless. Like I must not be good enough for the other person to want to put effort in, or love me the way I love them.

And because of this, I am cautious to put myself back in that compromising position. There are friends I have loosened ties with because I feel they don't respect me or my time. It's been hard, but I feel as if I am torturing myself searching for the love I want them to give me, when all I get from them is being taken advantage of.

Just like PC.

I will always be that friend who is there to listen and give advice.

But it sucks to feel like even though I would do this for anyone, that same person would not do the same for me.

I need to start being a little selfish and stop putting my mind and heart out for other people to take hold of and crush.

I don't think Princess Caroline deserves that pain, and I don't think I deserve that either.

It's weird what a cartoon show on Netflix can make you think.

This show is amazing, please watch it.

Stay weird,

Tara xx

Thursday, September 7, 2017

how to: not date a boy (or girl) (or whoever you are into it doesn't matter to me)

One thing I have never been good at is dating.

My most "successful" relationship (and I say "successful" loosely because it ended terribly) occurred when I was good friends with this guy for years beforehand. I was able to skip the whole "getting-to-know-them" phase, which is the part I am the WORST at.

I always feel so awkward. I never know how to act or what to do with my hands. No really, what do I do with my hands? Do I try and hold the hand or do I keep them to myself? I always struggle to figure that part out. Especially during movies, but this is beside the point.

I have only been in one relationship that truly felt natural and not awkward at first, which again, it ended terribly. Other relationships have been with great guys, but the "dating" portion before the actual "relationship" was always awkward for me.

And don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with the guys I've dated. It really is just me being weird.

But I digress.

I wanted to write this post because I feel like I have officially learned the do's and don'ts of dating, and I am here to share this glorious information with you all.

1. DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT feel pressured to do anything sexual on a first date. I went on one date with a guy who tried to stick his hand up my dress while he was driving me home. Let's just say I did not like that. It was really gross. His hand kept slowly moving up my leg, and I just kept moving it back down. At the time, I figured he just wasn't aware that his hand was near my, ya know, private area and didn't think much of it, as you will see in one of the following do's and don'ts. But now, I see he was kinda a jerk. You will see why later.

2. DO NOT drink wine before a first date to calm down your nerves. It didn't calm me down. Especially since I am not really a drinker. I dabble in it occasionally, but not often enough where I would have a tolerance. But let's just say, getting ready for the date was kinda interesting. I guarantee my eyeliner was not even that night.

3. DO let them see your quirks. I always figure, if I want a guy to love me, I may as well show him the weird things about me. For example, I hate cheese and have a fear of fish. If they can't accept that, they aren't for me.

4. DO make sure you ask questions. The one thing I loathe about going on a date is awkward silence. I hate silence. I can never be in a silent room without wanting to cringe and sink down in my chair. I need conversation. So if they aren't talking much, I usually end up talking to myself. Maybe I would even start humming or singing. I don't even know how to explain it, it is my nervous habit. And I get so nervous to go on dates, therefore this habit emerges. I also do talk to myself sometimes, so that is a quirk they gotta get used too. Ya know, sometimes you just gotta talk to yourself. It isn't weird- I promise.

5. DO make sure you are actually on a date. Remember that guy from the first do not? Yeah, so at the end of the night he walked me to my door and we kissed (regrettably). But at the time, I was getting over a breakup and I was just happy to know that a guy could actually be into me. But anyways, later that night, I texted him saying something along the lines of "Hey, we should go on another date soon." just cause, like I said before, a guy was actually into me. But he responded with something along the lines of "This wasn't a date... I just wanted to hang out with you."


Okay, this happened almost two years ago but I will swear til the day I die that it was a date. I tried to pay for my food that night (because it was 2016 and I could buy for myself and no guy had to), but he insisted he pay because he said, AND I QUOTE, "This is how a date works."

Shady. He just wanted to hook up with me that night. And I am not that kinda girl. SO please, double check that you are on a real date. He is also the reason why to this day, I will NEVER kiss on a first date again. Cause apparently, I can't even tell if I am on a date or not.

6. Finally, I will end this list on this note. DO NOT tell someone you love them on the first date.

And that's all I gotta say about that one.

So if you are like me and absolutely hate dating, I hope these suggestions kinda help. If not, I hope you laughed a little at my dating life saga.

One of these days I will write a post about finally finding the guy I'll spend the rest of my life with. Until then, I hope you enjoy the horror stories of my past love life. I wanna hope those days are behind me but who knows, I am still young.

Anyways stay weird,

Tara xx

Friday, September 1, 2017

look at me now



I have a happy post.

Surprisingly, this has been a very stressful and crappy week. I got caught in a rain downpour twice within two days while at school and has to sit through the rest of my classes wet. I also embarrassed myself in front of my art class, but oh well. My art work got caught in that down pour too and I ruined a few drawings.

But oh well.

I made an improvement this week. Actually, multiple.

First off, I actually spoke in my managerial accounting class. TWICE. I raised my own hand and everything. I gave my professor a way to start an equation and was correct. I honestly didn't expect myself to do that.

I never ever volunteer to speak in class, and I always sit in the very back just so I can hide and not be called on. Even though I can't see the board well, I still rather be partially blind than sit close to the teacher. But for some reason this week, I was a little less afraid to speak up.

I also answered the phone today when the doctor's office called for my mom. She was at work, and I had to sort out our HMO's with the doctor and what not, I won't go into detail regarding that.

Essentially, our insurance doesn't cover shit and she didn't get to go to the doctor today, but I digress.

I even had to call the doctor's office back for her since she couldn't handle her situation while at work.   I sorted it all out. I talked insurance with a doctor. Who am I?

I also made a new acquaintance in my art class. He actually runs in a parallel friend group to mine (we have a few mutual friends) so that was cool. I still am too awkward to progress the friendship any further, but hey, it is one more person I can talk too.

These may sound absolutely pathetic, but to me they are small victories. I am still no where close to where I want to eventually be when it comes to interacting with people and socializing, but look at me now.

I talked accounting with my prof, and talked insurance with a doctor. That just shows me I am going in a better direction than before.

Small victories are better than nothing.

Stay weird,

Tara xx